Lach-kicher-grins-freu-groehl.....der Witze-Thread

[jimbomatic]

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice,

"Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things...


One: The bartender is a blonde woman.


Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.


Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.


Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.


Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black
belt in karate, and a very bad attitude.


Now, think about it seriously, mister, do you still want to tell that joke?"



The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says:
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."



hoffe ich trette mit dem witz keinem auf die fuesse .

[Trisha]

He he he, nee, ist doch nur ein joke! Ein guter, den muss ich mir merken!!!

[Ariane]

Murphy's Real Laws

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. He's not computer illiterate. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "June flower."

13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

20. Just remember if the world didn't grab, we'd all fall off.

21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.

28. Flashlight: A case for holding batteries.

29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

[Ariane]

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at
the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got
angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the
bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and
kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was
heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly
opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[Ariane]

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were
posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual
responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how
do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not..
oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross.
Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we
ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is..
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare
them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[Ariane]

For those of you who aren't familiar with tornadoes and are hearing news coverage of this, I put together a short glossary to help you understand.

Fujita Scale: Scale used to measure wind speeds of a tornado and their severity.

• F1: Laughable little string of wind unless it comes through your house, then enough to make your insurance company drop you like a brick. People enjoy standing on their porches to watch this kind.
• F2: Strong enough to blow your car into your house, unless of course you drive an Expedition and live in a mobile home, then strong enough to blow your house into your car.
• F3: Will pick your house and your Expedition up and move you to the other side of town.
• F4: Usually ranging from 1/2 to a full mile wide, this tornado can turn an Expedition into a Pinto, then gift wrap it in a semi truck.
• F5: The Mother of all Tornadoes, you might as well stand on your front porch and watch it, because it's probably going to be quite a last sight.

Meteorologist: A rather soft-spoken, mild-mannered type person until severe weather strikes, and they start yelling at you through the t.v.: "GET TO YOUR BATHROOM OR YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"


Storm Chaser: Meteorologist-rejects who are pretty much insane but get us really cool pictures of tornadoes. We release them from the mental institution every time it starts thundering, just to see what they'll do.


Tranquilizer: What you have to give any dog or cat who lived through the May 3rd, 1999 tornado every time it storms or they tear your whole house up freaking out of their minds.


Moore, Oklahoma: A favorite gathering place for tornadoes. They like to meet here and do a little partying before stretching out across the rest of the Midwest.


Bathtub: Best place to seek shelter in the middle of a tornado, mostly because after you're covered with debris, you can quickly wash off and come out looking great.


Severe Weather Radio: A handy device that sends out messages from the National Weather Service during a storm, though quite disconcerting because the high pitched, shrill noise just as an alarm sounds suspiciously just like a tornado. Plus the guy reading the report just sounds creepy.


Tornado Siren: A system the city spent millions to install, which is really useful, unless there's a storm or a tornado, because then of course you can't hear them.


Storm Cellar: A great place to go during a tornado, as it is almost 100% safe, though weigh your options carefully, as most are not cared for and are homes to rats and snakes.


May-June: Tourist season in Oklahoma, when people who are tired of bungee jumping and diving out of airplanes decide it might be fun to chase a tornado. These people usually end up on Fear Factor.


Barometric Pressure: Nobody really knows what this is, but when it drops a lot of pregnant women go into labor, which makes for exciting moments as their husbands are trying to drive them to the hospital and dodge tornadoes at the same time.


Cars: The worst place to be during a tornado (next to a mobile home). Yes, you can out run a tornado in your car...unless everybody on the road decides to do the same thing, and then you're in grid lock.


A Ditch: Supposedly where you're supposed to go if you find yourself without shelter or in your car during a tornado. Theoretically the tornado is supposed to pass right over you, but since it can lift a 20 ton truck and up root a three hundred year old tree, I'd bet my life on out-running it in a car.


Mobile Home: Most people are convinced mobile homes send off some strange signal that triggers tornadoes, because if there's one mobile home park in a hundred mile radius, the tornado will find it.


Earthquake: What any Californian would rather go through on any scale of severity than face a tornado.


Tornado: What any Oklahoman would rather go through on any scale of severity than face an earthquake.


Twister: Slang for 'tornado' and also the title to a movie starring Helen Hunt, which incidentally everyone thought was corny and unrealistic until May 3rd, 1999.


Power Flash: One of the most reliable ways to track a tornado at night, it's the term used when the tornado hits a power line and a bright light flashes. It's also the emotion experienced by meteorologists when they get to make the call to interrupt prime-time must-see t.v. and a million dollars worth of advertising to track a storm for viewers.


Here are some phrases you might want to learn and be familiar with:

• "We'll have your electricity restored in 24 hours," which means it'll be a week.
• "We're going to be out for a week, so buy a lot of supplies and an expensive generator," means it's going to be on in twelve hours, probably as soon as you return from Wal-Mart.
• "It's a little muggy today." Get outta town. It's getting ready to storm.
• "There's just a slight chance of severe weather today, so go ahead and make your outdoor plans." Ha. Ha ha ha ha.

And Rene's BIG TIP of the day:
When your electricity goes out, and you go to bed at night, be sure to turn off everything that was on before it went out, or when it is unexpectedly restored in the middle of the night, every light, every computer, your dishwasher, your blow dryer, your washing machine, your microwave and your fans will all come on all at once:

(1) You'll just about have a heart attack when they all come on at the same time, waking you from a dead sleep.
(2) Your breakers will blow, leaving you in the dark once again.

[Ingrid]

Ariane, I love those jokes. Didn't know the Australian and the waether yet. Very funny!

[Ariane]

Originally Posted by Ingrid

Ariane, I love those jokes. Didn't know the Australian and the waether yet. Very funny!

you're so welcome, Ingrid

[Peter Joeken]

Na dann möchte ich auch meinen Lieblingswitz los werden ....
A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.

They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets."

The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."

The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"

"Sure," says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.

"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hands!"

[Trisha]

Hier, gerade per email bekommen, mann, ich könnte mich beölen vor Lachen!

Anger Management 101

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take

it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on

someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a

phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A

man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I

please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that

anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and

called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After

hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When

the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an *******!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put

it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or

had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It

always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '*******'

calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,

this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if

you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down

the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're

an *******!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had

patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting

for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car

window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his

number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******,

too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street.. It's a yellow house, and the car is parked right out in front."

What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an *******." Then I hung up, and added his number to my

speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two *******s to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1. "Hello." "You're an

*******!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"*******, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black

Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start

saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******."

Then I called ******* #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, *******," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance.. I'm coming over right

now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived

at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West

34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two *******s beating the crap out of each other in front of

six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.



NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works!

[pumpkin]

@Trisha

This one was hilarious !!!!!!!!

[helen79]

Heute Morgen war ich beim Bäcker. Ich war 5 Minuten im Laden drin. Als
ich wieder raus kam, war da eine Politesse und schrieb gerade einen
Strafzettel aus. Also ging ich zu ihr hin und sagte: "Hören Sie mal, ich war nur
gerade beim Bäcker." Sie ignorierte mich und schrieb das Ticket weiter aus. Das
machte mich etwas wütend und ich wurde etwas unbeherrschter: "Hallo? Sind
Sie taub, ich war nur gerade beim Bäcker!" Sie sah mich an und sagte: "Dafür kann
ich nichts. Sie dürfen hier nicht parken und außerdem sollten Sie sich etwas
zurückhalten!"

So langsam ging mir das auf den Zeiger... Also nannte ich sie eine blöde
Schlampe und sagte ihr noch, wo sie sich
ihr beschissenes Knöllchen hinstecken könnte. Da wurde die auf einmal
richtig stinkig und faselte etwas von Anzeige
und Nachspiel fur mich. Ich habe ihr dann noch gesagt, Sie sei die
Prostituierte des Ordnungsamtes und könne, wenn sie woanders anschaffen
ginge, wesentlich mehr verdienen.

Sie zog dann unter dem Hinweis auf die nun folgende Anzeige wegen
Beleidigung von dannen.
Mir war das egal.....
..ich war ja zu Fuß da.


LG
helen79

[Trisha]

Ha ha ha, noch ein Anger management Fall, sehr schön, oh wie super, ha ha ha

[pumpkin]

Ja, der war auch super ... da erwacht doch fast das Teufelchen in einem drinnen... mal auch ausprobieren?

[Trisha]

hmmm, ma gucken, da muss ich dann aber ne Tüte Mut gefrühstückt haben, lach

[sevil]

Traue nie einem Mann!

Eine Frau und ein Mann wurden in einen Autounfall verwickelt.
Es war ein ziemlich schlimmer. Beide Autos waren total demoliert.
Jedoch wurde, wie durch ein Wunder, keiner der beiden verletzt.
Nachdem beide aus ihrem Auto gekrabbelt waren, sagte der Mann:
"So ein Zufall... Sie sind eine Frau, ich bin ein Mann.
schauen Sie sich unsere Autos an... Beide total demoliert,
aber wir beide sind unverletzt. Das ist ein Fingerzeig Gottes!
Er will, daß wir beide von nun an zusammen sind und bis ans
Ende unseren Lebens zusammen bleiben."
Die Frau sah den Mann an, welcher nicht unattraktiv war und meinte:
"Sie haben Recht, daß muß ein Fingerzeig Gottes sein."
Der Mann fuhr fort: "Ein weiteres Wunder, mein Auto ist Schrott,
aber sehen Sie: Die Weinflasche auf dem Rücksitz ist unbeschadet!?!
Anscheinend will Gott, daß wir auf unser Glück anstoßen!"
Er öffnete die Flasche und gab sie der Frau. Die Frau nickte
zustimmend und leerte die halbe Flasche mit einem Schluck und gab
sie dem Mann zurück. Der Mann nahm sie und steckte den Korken
in die Flasche zurück.
Die Frau fragte ihn: "?!? Willst Du nicht auch trinken?!?"
Der Mann schüttelte den Kopf und meinte:
"Nein, ich warte lieber bis die Polizei hier ist..."

[sevil]

Den finde ich eigentlich eher niedlich *g*


Sind drei Schildkröten zu einer Quelle unterwegs.
Sie plagt nämlich mächtig der Durst. Sie laufen ein
Jahr, zwei Jahre, drei Jahre und endlich kommen sie an.
Gierig wollen sich die ersten beiden Schildkröten
auf das Wasser stürzen, da merkt doch die dritte,
daß sie ihre Trinkbecher vergessen haben.
"Ach, das ist doch egal!", sagt die erste Schildkröte.
"Ich habe so einen Durst!", klagt die zweite Schildkröte.
"Nein, nein," sagt die dritte Schildkröte, "also ohne
Trinkbecher, das geht doch nicht! Wo bleiben denn da
die Manieren! Passt auf, ihr wartet hier und ich gehe
zurück und hole unsere Trinkbecher!"
Die anderen müssen sich wohl oder übel darauf einlassen,
setzen sich auf einen Stein und warten. Sie warten ein
Jahr, zwei Jahre, drei Jahre...
Da hält es die eine Schildkröte nicht mehr aus und sagt
zur anderen: "Also mir ist jetzt alles egal, ich muß
jetzt etwas trinken!"
Sie geht zur Quelle und gerade als sie einen Schluck
nehmen will, kommt die dritte Schildkröte aus einem
Busch und sagt: "Also wenn ihr schummelt, gehe ich gar
nicht erst los..."

[Peter Joeken]

BITTE BIS ZUM ENDE LESEN !!!!!



Eine Frau glücklich zu machen ist einfach...

Mann muss nur ein ..

1. Freund
2. Partner
3. Liebhaber
4. Bruder
5. Vater
6. Lehrer
7. Erzieher
8. Koch
9. Mechaniker
10. Monteur
11. Innenarchitekt
12. Stylist
13. Elektriker
14. Sexologe
15. Gynäkologe
16. Psychologe
17. Psychiater
18. Therapeut sein und
19. zuvorkommend
20. sympathisch
21. durchtrainiert
22. liebevoll
23. aufmerksam
24. gentlemanlike
25. intelligent
26. einfallsreich
27. kreativ
28. einfühlsam
29. stark
30. verständnisvoll
31. tolerant
32. bescheiden
33. ehrgeizig
34. fähig
35. mutig
36. entschieden
37. vertrauensvoll
38. respektvoll
39. hingebungsvoll
40. leidenschaftlich und vor allem
41. zahlungsfähig sein.
Gleichzeitig, sollte er darauf achten, dass
a) er nicht eifersüchtig ist, und dennoch nicht uninteressiert
b) er sich mit seiner Familie gut versteht, ihr aber nicht mehr Zeit widmet
als der Frau
c) er ihr Raum lässt, sich aber besorgt zeigt, wo sie war und was sie
gemacht hat.

Sehr wichtig ist es:
nicht die Geburtstage, Jahrestage, Hochzeitstage, Namenstage, Ihre Tage,
Datum des ersten Kusses, Geburtstag ihrer Lieblingstante, Ihres
Lieblingsneffen oder ihrer Lieblingsfreundin
.
zu
vergessen.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------


Und nun die andere Seite der Medaille:
Einen Mann glücklich zu machen ist wie wir nun rasch erkennen werden bei
weitem nicht so leicht.
Denn:

Der Mann braucht:

1. Sex und
2. Essen

Die meisten Frauen sind mit diesen seinen Bedürfnissen natürlich
überfordert. Was lernen wir daraus?

Harmonisches Zusammenleben ist gar nicht schwer wenn Männer endlich
erkennen, dass sie ein klein wenig ihrer Ansprüche zurückschrauben müssen!
:-)

[sevil]

huch hier wird ja zensiert *g*

Ideologien im Vergleich:


Taoism - shi*** happens

Confucianism - Confucius said, shi*** happens

Buddhism - If shi*** happens, it is not really shi***

Zen Buddhism - What is the sound of shi*** happening?

Hinduism - This shi*** happened before

Islam - If shi*** happens, it is the will of Allah

Protestantism - Let shi*** happen to someone else

Catholicism - If shi*** happens, then you deserve it

Judaism - Why does this shi*** always happen to us?

New Age - Affirm that shi*** does not happen to me

Atheism - I don´t believe this shi***

Rastafarianism - Let´s roll this shi*** up and smoke it