Lach-kicher-grins-freu-groehl.....der Witze-Thread

[Simi]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take

it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on

someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a

phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A

man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I

please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that

anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and

called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After

hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When

the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an *******!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put

it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or

had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It

always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '*******'

calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,

this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if

you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down

the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're

an *******!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had

patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting

for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car

window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his

number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******,

too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street.. It's a yellow house, and the car is parked right out in front."

What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an *******." Then I hung up, and added his number to my

speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two *******s to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1. "Hello." "You're an

*******!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"*******, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black

Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start

saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******."

Then I called ******* #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, *******," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance.. I'm coming over right

now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived

at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West

34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two *******s beating the crap out of each other in front of

six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.



NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works!

[Simi]

The difference between women and men

How To Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

3. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

4. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and make mental note to do more sit-ups, leg-lifts, etc.

5. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

6. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

7. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

8. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint-enhanced conditioner.

9. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

10. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

11. Rinse conditioner off hair.

12. Shave armpits and legs.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

15. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

16. Get out of shower.

17. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

18. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

19. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

20. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom.

3. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

4. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

5. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

6. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo mohawk. Pee.

12. Rinse off and get out of shower.

13. Partially dry off.

14. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

15. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

16. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

17. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

18. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

[Wombel]

Hi Simi,

absolutely great the second one.

I am just imaging me in the bathroom making the "woo-woo" sound.

The first one was already posted by Trisha.

LG aus dem Münsterland

Klaus

[Wombel]

Hi,

und noch einen zum Thema Auswanderung:

Bu, Chu und Fu sind drei Chinesen, die nach America fahren.
Aber damit die Namen ein bisschen amerikanischer klingen,
wird Bu zu Buck, Chu zu Chuck und Fu geht zurück nach China!


LG aus dem Münsterland

Klaus

[Trisha]

He ha Simi, erwischt, Du liest Diesen Strang nicht durch! Sonst hättest du gesehen, dass ich den Anger management schon gepostet hatte

[Simi]

Sorry, da haste mich voll erwischt.... Bin heute voll im Stress und hatte keine Zeit mir alles durchzulesen. Wird nicht mehr vorkommen - versprochen

Kann ich das jemals wieder gut machen????

[Trisha]

Hmmm, na gut, aber nur wenn Du mir ein Eis spendierst wenn ich in Frankfurt bin, he he he

[Simi]

Geht klar :-)

[hugo3]

You Might Be A Redneck If...
(Special Thanks To Mr. Jeff Foxworthy)

• More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
• You think the stock market has a fence around it.
• You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
• You've ever used lard in bed.
• Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
• You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
• You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
• Your home has more miles on it than your car.

• Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
• You've ever been arrested for loitering.
• You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
• There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
• You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
• You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
• You own a homemade fur coat.
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
• You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

• There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
• Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
• There is a wasp nest in your living room.
• The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
• You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
• There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
• You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
• You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
• Fewer than half of your cars run.
• You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

• The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
• Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
• Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
• Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
• Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
• Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
• You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

• Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
• You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
• You're an expert on worm beds.
• The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
• Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
• Your family tree does not fork.
• The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
• You haul more than U-Haul.
• Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
• There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

• Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
• Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
• Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
• The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
• Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
• You pick your teeth from a catalog.
• You've ever financed a tattoo.
• You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
• Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
• Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

• You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
• You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
• The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
• You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
• The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
• Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
• You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
• You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
• Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
• You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

• You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
• None of your shirts cover your stomach.
• Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
• The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
• You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
• You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
• You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
• Birds are attracted to your beard.
• The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
• Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

• Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
• You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
• Bikers back down from your momma.
• You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
• Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
• You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
• Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
• You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
• You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
• The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Sh-thead?"

• You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
• You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
• The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
• You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
• You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
• You clean your nails with a stick.
• You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
• Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
• People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
• Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

• You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
• You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
• You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
• You've ever been too drunk to fish.
• You've ever bought a used cap.
• You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
• You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
• Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
• You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
• You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'

• You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
• Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
• In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
• Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
• You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
• You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
• Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
• Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
• Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
• The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

• Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
• Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
• Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
• You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
• You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
• You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
• Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
• You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
• Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
• You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

• You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
• Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
• Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
• Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
• Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
• You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
• You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
• You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

• You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
• You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
• You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
• You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
• Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
• Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
• You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
• You mow your lawn and find a car.
• You can spit without opening your mouth.
• Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

• You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
• You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
• You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
• You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
• You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
• You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
• You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
• You've never paid for a haircut.
• You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
• There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

• You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
• You've ever made change in the offering plate.
• The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
• You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
• You own at least 20 baseball hats.
• You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
• You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
• You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
• When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
• Your screen door has no screen.

• Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
• Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
• Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
• When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
• You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
• Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
• You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
• Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
• You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
• You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

• You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
• You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
• You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
• You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
• There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
• It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
• You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
• You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
• Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
• The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

• Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
• The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
• You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
• You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
• You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
• Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
• You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
• You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
• When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
• Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

• Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
• Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
• You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
• You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
• You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
• Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
• The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
• You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
• You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
• You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

• Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
• Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
• Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
• Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
• During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
• You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
• On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
• Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
• You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
• In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

• Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
• You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
• You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
• You bring your dog to work with you.
• Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
• You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
• You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
• Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
• Your masseuse uses lard.
• Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

• You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
• On stag night, you take a real deer.
• You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
• Your back porch is bigger than your house.
• There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
• A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
• An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
• You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
• You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

• Your secret family recipe is illegal.
• Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
• Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
• Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
• Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
• You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
• Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
• Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
• You think cur is a breed of dog.
• People hear your car long before they see it.

• Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
• Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
• Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
• Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
• Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
• You've ever hitchhiked naked,
• You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
• You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
• Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
• The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

• The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
• Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
• Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
• There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
• You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
• The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
• You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
• You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
• Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

• You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
• The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
• You list your parole officer as a reference.
• There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
• Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
• There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
• You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
• You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
• Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
• You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
• You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
• You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
• You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

[dorith]

ein versicherungsvertreter kommt zu einem bauernhof draussen auf dem land, klingelt an der tür und wartet. als die tür aufgeht, steht ein kleiner junge da. "Ist deine mammi da?" fragt der vertreter.
"nee, die ist tot." sagt der junge. "oh, das ist ja schrecklich...wie ist sie gestorben?" fragt der vertreter. "vom trecker überfahren" lautet die antwort vom jungen.
"na gut, dann kann ich ja vielleicht mit deinem vater reden...ist er da?". "nee -" sagt der kleine "der ist auch tot, auch vom trecker überfahren".
"na gut," sagt der vertreter "dann lass mich mit deiner schwester sprechen". "geht nicht," sagt der junge "die sind auch beide tot - auch vom trecker überfahren".
dem vertreter kommt das alles etwas komisch vor:"sag mal, was machst du dann hier die ganze zeit allein auf dem hof?"






"na, trecker fahhhn".

[dorith]

und jetzt noch eins für unsere schwaben im forum:

die drei schlimmsten krankheiten?

lepra
cholera
von-dr-alb-ra

[dorith]

jaja, ich weiss: ostfriesenwitze sind soooo out...aber den hier fand ich gut:

ein franzose, ein amerikaner und ein ostfriese treffen sich bei einem kongress der gummi-fabrik-leiterschaften und sitzen zusammen im restaurant beim lunch.
die unterhaltung beginnt hitzig zu werden, als die drei eine diskussion beginnen, welche nation denn nun die beste gummiherstellung hätte.
sagt der franzose:"ha, unser gummi ist so gut: da war ein arbeiter oben auf dem eiffelturm am streichen, und fiel runter - auf halber strecke blieb sein hosenträger an einer schraube hängen. er federte sachte runter, und sachte wieder rauf, und pinselte dann weiter."

sagt der amerikaner:"ha, das ist noch gar nix: bei uns in new york, am empire state building war ein fensterwäscher den der wind vom podest geweht hat - mitten im fall klebte er seinen kaugummi ans fenster im 30sten stockwerk, federte sacht runter und sachte wieder hoch, und putzte dann munter weiter".

der ostfriese lehnt sich überheblich im stuhl zurück und sagt:"ach, was sind das für armutszeugnisse...hier, ich erzähl euch mal was über RIGHTIG gutes gummi: bei uns, in emden, auf dem leuchtturm, da war der wärter oben am leuchtfeuerglas polieren, als der wind ihn vom turm geweht hat.
als er unten ankam war der wärter mausetot. aber die gummistiefel - HA! - die waren noch wie funkelnagelneu!".

[Ariane]

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Ariane]

You know you're from Ohio if ...

1. You don't think of Florida first when someone mentions Miami.
2. You snicker when someone's from Tiffin, because you think of the State Hospital.
3. You think Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
4. You've heard of 3.2% beer.
5. Schools close for the state basketball tournament. Deer season, too.
6. You're proud of your state fair, but would rather go to Cedar Point.
7. You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
8. You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
9. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
10. "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."
11. You've heard of the Great Nickel Beer Night Riot.
12. You know if other Ohioians are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
13. You root for a college team though you've never taken a class there.
14. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, and Tuscarawas
    *(Wapakoneta?) and you know which letter is doubled in "Cincinnati."
15. You always visit more than two amusement parks in one summer.
16. You know that Serpent Mounds were not made by snakes.
17. You know what game they're playing when the Mud Hens take on the Clippers.
18. "Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or King's Island.
19. You measure distance in minutes.
20. Down south to you means Kentucky.
21. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
22. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
23. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
24. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
25. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
26. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
27. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
28. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
29. You carry jumper cables in your car.
30. You know what pop is.
31. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
32. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
33. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
34. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
35. You think that deer season is a national holiday.
36. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
37. You thought that the Michael Stanley Band was the most popular band in the country.
38. You actually understand these jokes then forward 'em to all your OH friends!!!

[Ariane]

A message from the rural midwest ...


Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Kansas, Iowa, or Missouri, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter the State.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too-and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways---Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit and then go home...ASAP!

[Trisha]

und jetzt noch eins für unsere schwaben im forum:

die drei schlimmsten krankheiten?

lepra
cholera
von-dr-alb-ra

Den hab isch net verstanne......